Shit Just Got Real

i’ve been officially unemployed since June 30, don’t remember if i ever said that was my separation date. well, we’re separated. me and work broke up after a long-term relationship. chances are slim we’ll be making up and getting back together.

it’s ok though, it was a mutual understanding, but, it’s just, well, work changed the locks after i left *really* fast. i didn’t get all my personal digital files because it turned out i needed a lot more room than my flash drive–like portable hard drive size.

when i came back two days later, late in the afternoon, everyone was packing up to go home for shortened summer hours. it was just me and my old computer.

that was when i found out. i was really moved out. no matter what i did, i couldn’t log on to the place where i had my files stored. i could log onto my same computer, i could log onto my same email, but wow, ZERO server access. and that’s the moment shit just got real.

my head was all swishy and swimmy like when you get a lot of water in your ears swimming. i didn’t feel attached to the earth, and my eyes stung. i made it home to husband and started scream crying “it won’t let me in they already locked me out they must have been waiting to pounce on my account at the moment i walked out the door husband i’m unemployed husband i don’t work there anyyymorrre!!!”

he said, “you knew this was coming; this is what you wanted.” (he’ logistically supportive but not very often emotionally so.)

i cried and cried, despite, yeah, i probably should have expected to get bounced out of encrypted information.

after i got myself together and quit crying, i paced around the house saying, “I’m. Unemployed. Shit is real: I’m. Unemployed.”

yeah, so, i’m really unemployed. holy fuck.


Facebook is my best friend and my worst enemy.
I have little outside life because of my disabilities, so I live on Facespace for social interaction and support groups dedicated to my issues. I have made some amazing connections on Faceblank, and even gone to visit a friend in person—it can be an amazing tool, but the flip-side is that it’s a tool.
How many times have you made such great friends only to discover serious issues? I meet someone in a group, we agree to PM, and we have a great time! Then they start talking about their family’s love of guns and that they’re getting 2nd Amendment signs for their yard to prove how pro-firearm they are. Oh. Wow. Total friendship killer when Faceidiocy reveals the vast, huge, glaring gaps in your fundamental values!
But what about the real connections Facebook brings? What about the long chats, the daily check-ins, the plans to visit? And then bam. They’re gone. You’re blocked. They completely cut off contact with no explanation why. You were told you were such a special friend, you felt so flattered, but no, in the end, you were their gun-toting friend—I guess.
I just got flushed from Facejunk by a “very close friend.” A bestie. A “we get each other so we can tell each other anything.”
As crushed as I am, believe it or not, I am trying to be mature. I am trying to suck it up and say “It’s only the internet after all.” But most of what I have in life is only the internet, so how not to feel blanked out?
Life will go on… with valium and lemonade.