Borrow It Forward

you’ve no doubt heard of “pay it forward”? i love it, i practice it whenever, even silly things like holding the door open and smiling for a stranger.

but imagine the energy it takes a person with chronic illness to do something like that over and over during a day. ok, so i stood an extra time holding the door, there’s a little energy outta my bucket. stayed on the phone longer than necessary to hear someone’s problems, little more zap outta my zing. convincing my spastic service dog to SIT GODAMMIT over and over when people would like to pet her, that is A LOT of energy ladled out of my bucket of self.

you get it, i like to pay it forward, even if it means that little things exhaust me and i come home sacked, drained of just everything. i used to turn movies on and pretend to watch them–i don’t even bother anymore.

now, let’s see this: if there’s something i want to do for me today, i “borrow it forward” by taking tomorrow’s energy. does that make any sense? it’s like getting a cash advance on what your body creates overnight. so in the back of your head you realize you’re getting screwed because then you won’t have that cash/energy later, but you have that cash/energy today. borrowing it forward.

last night was a good example. a close friend had an art opening in her young gallery, Rock Art Studio. i like to go out and support her, enjoy the artwork, and actually socialize with other human beings. however, to enjoy last night’s show, i had to borrow from today.

i’m nodding off as i write, and just then i flat-out fell asleep til Facespace beeped me.

i borrowed it all out today. miserable. nodded off there. typing with only one eye open. where’s my reading glasses.

you get the point. borrowing it forward costs tomorrow the joy it brings today. i don’t really regret it, but it sure sucks like hell.

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